I'm writing this a day late, sorry, I had a late night with my little man. Throughout the day yesterday Luke was having a good day other than his "desatting" and even that wasn't nearly as bad as before. He would rebound himself quite well. They even lowered his vent settings. His blood gases were doing well also. Even at midnight those were near perfect. So I decided to go out to eat and get away from the hospital for a few hours. When I got back I decided I would spend the rest of the evening with Luke since I was alone down here for a few days. When I got back up to his bed they were doing x-rays of his chest and belly. This is nothing new to me, we have at least one a day for his chest to monitor his ET tube and lungs. However, this was the first one in awhile for his belly. His nurse Kayleena however told me that his belly was looking "dusky" and they were just monitoring it. They also were watching his hematocrit and might give him blood. I don't know if this is where things started to hit me. After 5 weeks of being around all of this putting on a happy face it finally wore on me. Everything they did after that just bothered me. All the poking and prodding to get blood from my little man just make me sick to my stomach. When the NNP was talking to me about his belly, just made me crazy. I know what is going on here, that is the reason we are down here, but being here is finally hitting me full bore. I know they had to do what they were doing, but I don't being on the parent side of things I know it will change me as a nurse once we are all through with Luke's hospitalization. So back to Luke...I stayed till midnight and they were getting ready to retape his ET tube AGAIN, because he spits a lot and he doesn't have much room for it to move. We were waiting on blood to arrive so they could start that. They had also started IV antibiotics just incase his cultures came back that he was getting sick. Last time this went on with his belly it was worse, he was loopy and wasn't eating. This time he has been eating with no residual, pooping, and his belly is soft. I'm hoping that the blood is all he needs for things to level out. This should help his "desatting" also. I just am wondering why we waited this long, since his hematocrit was low this past weekend. Not to mention Jonathin was talking about his pasty look earlier and that he needed blood. I know this seems like a venting blog and I don't mean for it sound that way, it just finally got to me. This is totally coming from a parent, not at all for the nursing student side. I know they are doing what needs to be done, and doing everything they can. It is just when your son looks at you with big eyes and bandages all over from being poked and prodded you just crack. I am praying that this day goes a lot smoother and there is no growth on the culture and that his belly looks good again. I know this is asking a lot, but it sure would be nice.
Jordan
Venting blogs are good. It's good to get this stuff out trust me. I vented all the time on my blog and people appreciated it a lot. I'm sorry for what's been happening. I know how hard and difficult it is. The hospital you are at is good but never good at giving answers. You may want to get his medical records, you wouldn't believe the information you will find out in them and you will ask yourself why didn't they tell me any of this. I did that and found out so much about Tyse it was amazing.
ReplyDeleteIt's weird your nurse name is Kayleena. My daughter name is Kayleena and it's not a common name. Very cool! Take care and if you need anything at all let me know.
Jennifer Collins
You know, when Emery was in the hospital I always felt like I didn't have the right to be upset, to complain, to be angry or frustrated with the staff. I'm not sure why. I absolutely hated sharing my worst moments with strangers (the staff.) It felt so unfair to be literally angry at the people trying to save my kid's life because they were hurting him, because he'd had enough, because I was tired of him being sick, because I was still grieving my lost pregnancy, because my marriage started suffering and I was alone - alone at a hospital a long way from home with no one to talk to who understood. I got very bitter. I remember one night they nurses were trying to get a blood draw from him and catheterize him at the same time and they couldn't get a stick and he was wailing and it was silent except for the stupid vent beeping. It had to be so horrible for him being poked and prodded and sick. His saturations used to drop into the 60s with heel sticks and he got those 4 times a day. I was so so so sick of x-rays and rounds and pumping. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound - so I had to wake up every 3 hours on the clock to pump and I was already depressed, tired, frustrated and sad and lonely.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, vent all you need, any time, anywhere, even if you need to talk to the nurse manager. Yes this will make you a better nurse, but right now you are the mom of a sick baby. You get to be mad, upset, frustrated, tired, and angry. Nothing is expected of you.
Nap often. Any chance you get, nap. You're already not getting a full night's sleep so nap, nap, nap whenever you can.
Read trashy magazines, read anything that will distract you.
If you can, talk to spiritual care or the social worker. They should be available to talk to you. It helps to get this out.
Talk to the other parents if you can. I eventually started 'stalking' out some of the other parents and am still friends with them today. In fact, we're doing to a birthday party next week - a former NICU mom had a term baby after her micro twins and he's going to be 2. Can't wait to see them. The people there get it.
Never feel guilty or ashamed. You've done nothing wrong. You just got thrown into a crap situation.
If you are interested, yahoo groups has a micropreemie support group preemieblogmoms. Feel free to join. It was a huge support when Em was in the NICU and after he came home.
Also, one day you'll just stop hearing bad news about Luke. He'll go days without an x-ray. The vent will be gone eventually. It seems like these days drag out and they absolutely do, but one day you'll just start hearing good news and it will stay that way.
Hang in there, I'm thinking of you. Email or call if you need to.