Sniffles

Well this warm weather has finally gotten to Luke. The night before last we started with some sniffles. Slowly they have went to more of a stuffed nose. The nose sucker has been unpacked for use with no success. The inhaler has also been unpacked for occasional use. Finally this morning the nebulizer has been unpacked. This is the worst part about packing early, you never know what you are going to need. The good thing, Luke hasn't slowed his eating pattern with the cold. And on Monday we leave for Indy for a Pulmonary appointment on Tuesday morning. That makes me feel a little at ease with his cold. However, I know I am not the only one that watches their kid like a hawk at these times.

I feel so uneasy when Luke isn't acting like his normal self. Thoughts fly through my mind: hospital stay, oxygen, rsv, apnea. I am not comfortable during these times. If Luke coughs I come running to check on him and make sure he is not choking. It is really bad in a car, I have to pull over to check on him. Then I wonder how bad do I let him get before we once again go to the ER. Now don't get the idea that he is horrible right now, he isn't. Luke just has a sniffled nose with a few clearing coughs. However the thought about how it could progress. Which hospital will I take him to? Will they understand if we want to go to Riley? Just things that are always there. We haven't had the best luck with Memorial Hospital's ER the last two times we have been there. Our new thought is to go to Goshen since they aren't as busy as Memorial and that they are IU Health and might be more open to a Riley transfer if we ever needed it. Sometimes I wish that we still had a tank of oxygen around here. I hated it when we had it, but I feel more comfortable just in case to give Luke a little help. I think I am always going to have a hard time thinking of Luke as a healthy child and not a needy preemie. Normal kids get colds, and normal kids don't need oxygen....but Luke isn't normal. I hate saying that, but right now I don't see him that way. I don't know where to draw the line. When will I feel comfortable with him sleeping all night? I have yet to sleep all night long since we have been home in September. First it was because he woke up. Now though, it is me just making sure he is breathing. Right before I fall asleep I have to get out of bed just to check once more on him. Then, because he is still in our room, I turn the TV down and listen to him breath. If I don't hear anything I have to jump up and put my hand on his chest. Once I'm finally comfortable then I can go to sleep, just to wake up again around 3am to listen and feel just to make sure. I even stare at him when he is asleep in the living room in his swing. I am always checking to see if his eyes look blue around them. There is always thoughts in the back of my head about what I would do if he wasn't breathing. How would I react? I wish I could calm my mind, but I have a feeling I will always be like this no matter how old he gets....sorry Luke, you have a hovering mother.

I pretty much wrote this blog in my head a couple hours ago as I lay in bed listening to him breath, wondering if I am the only weirdo out there. I hope I don't sound like a complete nut.